Light and Shade
by Pranksta
Summary: McKay is lost, to Atlantis and to himself. His team must pull together to get him back. Completed.
1. Chapter 1

Eternal gratitude for Angela, the cleverest beta reader in the history of the world!

Warnings: I will not pretend to be good, only to be writing. Therefore, feel free to make me better by pointing out flaws :)

**Darkness **

Darkness; nothing else. Darkness everywhere. The dark swallowed everything, claiming ownership of all matter that dared encounter its path.

He lay on his back, a hand close to his face, middle finger resting on his nose. He couldn't see it, only feel it. He could smell his skin, the familiar blend of sweetness from hand lotion and bitterness of his own sweat, his own human scent.

His vision rendered useless he turned to his other senses. Turning his hands so his palm would establish a direct contact with the ground beneath him he felt the cold, hard surface the muscles of his back had told him was there. He felt to his sides, as far as he could reach. He ran his fingers over the surface that stood a few inches away from the top of his head. It was smooth, cold and hard. He brought his hands back to rest on his stomach, his fingers fidgeting.

"So…I'm in a cold, hard, smooth, dark place. That narrows it down." The sound in a too quiet environment was eerie, yet he found comfort in speaking aloud. The irritation he heard himself voice told him that all was not lost. He could get out of wherever he was and he would definitely spend hours yelling at someone when he did!

Turning to his side slowly he winced as pain shot up his spinal column causing his stomach to rebel. After a moment it settled and he turned over completely. Inhaling deeply he smelled metal. The acrid scent of mineral accompanied his own.

"Metal and McKay, a new fragrance available on all good deranged planets". Trying to laugh at the vague humour, he emitted a sound closer to a sob. He felt light-headed, his limbs were heavy, his breathing shallow. Each difficultly, drawn out breath brought pain; an intense ache that spread to every part of him. Pain, everywhere, his entire body throbbing, being consumed by it. He didn't feel wounded, wasn't bleeding but thought he might have been at some point.

Bringing his hands to lay palms flat on the surface his nose pressed against, he pushed upwards slowly. He tried to raise himself to his hands and knees his body momentarily denying him the strength to move any further. He waited for it to comply with the planned sequence of movements. He pushed himself to his knees and hit his head when he rose higher, to stand. He felt the surface with which his head had collided.

"What a surprise, it's cold, it's hard and it's smooth! Well people, you get an A plus for box engineering! This is a perfectly constructed…"

A sharp intake of breath cut off the rest of the thought. No, he could not think of such a possibility.

He moved forward on his knees, feeling his way to one end of the enclosure then the other wanting to get a proper dimensional sense of the space. It barely took a minute for weakness from the exertion to overwhelm him. He bent forward and rested his head against the floor.

Only then did his brain go through endless possibilities, avoiding the image that wanted to take shape, to overwhelm him. An image, an idea he didn't want to consider. Sometimes, his brain was a horrifying burden. The effectiveness of it, the speed with which it would reach the most likely conclusions was as much a blessing as a curse. Still, he fought, refused the image and thought on, thought back, retraced his steps.


	2. Chapter 2

**Light conversation**

They walked into the town, Sheppard smiling left and right, charming everyone with a "hi there" or a "how are you". Teyla walked alongside him, a friendly smile for whoever cared to look at them while Rodney and Ronon closed the march; one engrossed in his scanner the other evaluating their surroundings. A peculiar looking group, they clashed with the nondescript white clad inhabitants of M1F 982.

An official looking man met them when they reached a large fountain that gushed in the central square.

"Greetings. Welcome to Taulouse. I am Kretin, Mr. Esteban's secondary. We heard of your arrival by the Ring Guardian. For what purpose have you come to us?" Sheppard raised his hand in greeting as Teyla took a step, bringing her in front of the group, nearer to the man.

"I am Teyla Emmagan. This is Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, Ronon Dex and Doctor Rodney McKay. We are peaceful explorers, looking for trading partners. I am of the Athosian and have been told our people were allies, long ago."

The man nodded politely as each team member was introduced before returning his attention to Teyla. "If you would please follow me, I will take you to Mr. Esteban." He turned and indicated they should follow. Rodney fell into step with Sheppard and whispered "Did he say his name is Cretin?" but only received a disapproving "Rodney" in response.

"Mr. Esteban, is he your leader?" Teyla asked politely.

"No, he is responsible for Ring control. The Lord is our leader."

The town's buildings were all of unusual forms constructed from a shiny, smooth material reminiscent of very solid plastic, the kind used to build children's playground structures. Some constructions were curved in great ovals, others pointed into triangles, or octagons, lozenges. An array of white geometrical expertise spread before the eye. They entered the tallest building, a pentagon. Amusement glinted in Rodney's eyes as he looked over to his fellow Earthling to share this decidedly Earthly moment. John's eyebrows where drawn in concern which only served to amuse Rodney further.

"Afraid of the pentagon, Colonel?" he said teasingly.

"Not so much no, shapes are more intriguing than scary. Besides, I'm not the one with the baggage of phobias around here." He gently laid a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Trying to tell me something McKay? You can tell me if you're afraid, there's no shame in it, a perfect parallelogram can be intimidating." His voice had dropped to a soothing understanding murmur, his face a concerned mask. The underlying hint of friendly mockery was unmistakable.

"I do not have phobias!" This drew a disbelieving snort from Sheppard and a smile from Teyla.

"Nah, you just pretend to be hyperventilating, sweating and going insane whenever lemon, bee, pollen, manners or lack of food are so much as mentioned." This served its purpose; McKay forgot he was baiting Sheppard.

"They are not phobias! Allergies, Colonel, allergies and hypoglycaemia. You too would be uncomfortable if you had the constant threat of death over your head! It's beyond me how your little soldier brain fails to comprehend that! You'll see, one day citrus will pass these lips and you'll be sorry you ever said a word! And, as far as manners go, I am extremely well-mannered thank you very much!" He was getting worked up, his face scrunched in an annoyed frown, gesticulating madly. Sheppard just had to push it further. After all, Rodney was most amusing when he worked himself into frenzy like this.

"Ummmmmm, yes, the orange juice threat is a very real and dangerous one and I'd rather not go too deep in your mannered delusion but, really McKay, again with the militaries are stupid comment? You used it just this morning; you're losing your touch." He had it down to an art, the lazy drawling tease. It didn't matter what he said, that tone always worked on that particular man.

"Hardly, I'm just trying to stay at your level with the small words and the easily understandable sentences." John grinned at his victory. Sheppard 1, McKay 0.

"You've got nothing." They fell silent as Kretin knocked on a door.

The entered a bleak office containing a desk and two chairs. A short man dressed in white robes of rough natural cloth sat quietly. All was white and unassuming in this world: the buildings, the clothes, the people. Kretin introduced him as Mr. Esteban and went to stand quietly at the door. Sheppard and Teyla sat opposite him and answered questions pertaining to their existence. Who they were, where they were from, what they hoped to achieve in coming to this planet were all things Mr. Esteban didn't seem interested in but demanded to know nonetheless, as it was required of him. Rodney couldn't help the yawn that conveyed the team's collective thought: what a _boring_ man. Droning voice, lifeless eyes, he remained utterly unmoving throughout the interview. A man as drab as his office and that was saying a lot. An hour passed before he instructed Kretin to go and announce their imminent arrival to The Lord.

"It is seldom that strangers come to us, The Lord has requested a meeting at which time he will decide to officialise this alliance or not."

John smiled, exuding grossly fake delight in having the opportunity to meet the leader. A touch of eye rolling from Rodney did nothing to endear them to Mr. Esteban, or the scientist to anyone. Teyla shot him a look clearly meant to intimidate and warn; behave, it said as clearly as is she had spoken. Kretin entered the room, putting a stop to Sheppard's 'seduce the locals' operation.

"The Lord will allow them to see him, now." With a wave of his hand Mr. Esteban dismissed them.

"Go, he must not be kept waiting." They exited, glancing at each other in surprise at the lack of politeness and social manners the man suddenly exhibited.

They were led up flight after flight of stairs to an outer office, empty, bar two men standing guard by large double doors. Kretin murmured a few words and they walked to the left side of the door where a ledge had appeared from the wall.

"We ask that you entrust your armoury to us for the length of your visit with The Lord. It will be returned to you upon your exit of his chamber." Kretin gestured to the two men who held their hands outstretched. The team did as was asked with a certain unease, though not as they would have was Ronon not proficient in the art of hidden knives. The two guards stowed the weapons, the ledge receded into the wall and they opened the doors moving back to allow the visitors entry.

The room was different from everything this world had presented so far. The walls were coloured to an inch of their construction. Plants, sculptures and vases stood everywhere. A windowed wall allowed light to reach every little corner and yet dozens of pillar candles were lit, a sweet dulling scent rising in the air, so thick it could almost be seen.

In the middle of this positively ornate room rose a four tiers platform drowning in a cascade of material that fell from the ceiling. Amongst the cushions covering the higher level of the platform lounged a man. Strikingly tall, he rose in a flurry of fabric and walked regally to them. John believed at that moment he had found the exact replica of Fabio and Rodney gaped, amazement written on his face. Teyla appeared as unruffled as ever while Ronon looked at the man with obvious distaste, obvious only to those who knew him well. The man had long blond hair and a muscular body barely covered by a flow of coloured silky robes so that bronzed skin glinted at every movement. Smiling broadly, hands outstretched in a welcoming gesture he spoke in a theatrical voice, expressive and booming.

"Friends! Friends! Welcome to Taulouse! I am Lord Limployd! Please, take a seat." A brief moment of awkwardness followed when none moved. Grasping John's hand, The Lord dragged him over to the cushioned area and pulled him in a sitting position. Beaming to the others, he patted an area beside him, crooking his finger in the universal or apparently multi-universal _come here_ gesture. It wasn't so much the gesture but John's insistent _come here right this minute, do **not** let me sit with this freak by myself_ glare that got his team moving. Amusement sparkled in Teyla's eyes and Rodney couldn't hide a smirk as he thought of his theory. _I knew it, he's Kirk. The man is a walking pheromone._

"Now, who might you beautiful people be? "asked the still beaming man, lounging back in a strange exhibitionistic pose.

"I am Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. This is Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex and Doctor Rodney McKay." Limployd eyed Rodney interestingly.

"Yes, I have been informed there was a doctor amongst us. You might be interested in visiting our healing facilities?" Rodney sat straighter, as straight as his back would allow in the sinking softness of the cushions.

"I am not that kind of doctor, not a healer."

The leader slanted towards Rodney. "What kind of doctor are you then, you lovely man?"

Bright pink embarrassment flushed Rodney's skin at being called a lovely man, by a _man_, a man who was patting his knee. Sputtering and mumbling, Rodney made a great show of incoherence. John's grin broadened to become the real one, not the polite –hello we are nice people- one. No, this was the –Rodney, you are so screwed and I'm loving this- one. He let the man suffer a bit longer if only for the earlier smug look the scientist had shot him, while he sat alone with The Lord on this…bed-like area. He was compelled to intervene when the hand moved higher. No one was going to molest his team in his presence…or, ever, preferably.

"Dr. McKay specialises in the workings of the universe and its components."

The man patted a little bit higher and Rodney shifted uncomfortably, wanting to get away from the intrusive hand without insulting the leader of this world.

"The workings of the universe? My, what a useful man you must be. You are a Master then, one who knows?" The Lord's eyes glinted as he looked intensely at the increasingly uneasy Rodney who could only sputter unlike the genius they were telling this man he was. The Lord's hand kept stroking him in a slow, circular motion.

"Dr. McKay certainly knows a lot of things. We are fortunate to have him with us." Teyla was trying to divert Lord Limployd's attention. John and Ronon unsuccessfully hid their amusement at seeing the brash, loud, obnoxious astrophysicist reduced to a distressed well-mannered puddle.

"Yes, we are certainly fortunate…" The Lord said, smiling at Rodney. "You will certainly want to see our research facilities."

Rodney nodded politely and shifted once more, to no avail. The hand was moving higher on his thigh, The Lord leaning closer, the words he spoke a mere whisper in his ear.

"It shall be arranged."


	3. Chapter 3

Gloom

Resting on his side, head on his bicep, Rodney fingered strands of hair, comforted by its familiar softness. The other hand was tucked under his chin feeling the stubble scratch his skin. He was hungry, weakening by the minute, breathing uneasily, but at least the pain had receded. He wished for sleep but couldn't indulge, not until he knew where he was and why he was here.

He knew he was on the right track, closer to making sense of this incarceration. It was that man, Lord Limployd. He had been touching his thigh and…and…leering. Yes, leering and leaning. A whole lot of leaning had been going on. He had called two guards, atrociously big guards and Rodney had been taken. No…they hadn't taken him, it wasn't them. The Lord, all wide smile and lascivious eyes, had suggested he follow them. No taking, plenty of following.

Sheppard had asked for Ronon to accompany him, explaining that it was a safety precaution, usual procedure. The Lord considered the request a personal insult. It was him, stupid genius that he was, who had said it would be alright, he would go; research facilities had to be better than negotiations any day. So he had left with a last look at a very unhappy Colonel and a seemingly worried Teyla. Ronon had twitched, his natural protectiveness urging him to follow. The guards had _accompanied_ him across town where they'd entered a rectangular shaped building, the only one of a normal shape. A woman was introduced as the guide for the research facilities. She had a name of course but it was exceedingly irrelevant at this point.

Rodney shifted to his back, the surface he was laying on transferring its coldness to his body. No, that wasn't correct. His body was being robed of its warmth by stupid temperature regulation. That was how it worked, all that radiation, convection, conduction business and the constriction of blood vessels making him shiver. Rodney was always hot, his skin always on the wrong side of clammy from the heat he generated. Presumably, a life spent in six months of winter would reorganise your body so you were constantly warm. It was a pathetic private joke to him that he could, in fact, be described as a very hot man. There was no warmth to be found here though, so he shifted from one side to the other in the hopes of finding a comfortable position.

He let go of his physical discomfort to concentrate on the events preceding his confinement. If he could just find out what had happened it would give him a better chance of getting out of here, alive and well. He had no doubt it was up to him now. His team was possibly in the same predicament or they were looking for him; both instances would require him to escape. He had to get out, either to find them or to be found.

The image previously discarded wound its way back to the forefront of his mind. Afraid what he pictured was true, afraid of what it would mean he tried to push it back, forget it, knowing it would only bring him to panic.

He was right. He'd been able to distract himself so far but it all came crashing in, the threat of hypoglycaemic shock, the horror of a confined space to the claustrophobic, the torment of impending doom. His breathing quickened, as much as laboured breathing could. He broke into cold sweats, his muscles were overrun by spasms and he couldn't think of anything but his imminent death. It all came out in a rush of words, jumping from one emotion to the next; worry, anger, sorrow and hope chased each other through the sentences. Hands went flying in large graceless movements to emphasis the speech.

"I'm buried alive. Buried alive! This is it, the end of Rodney McKay. What kind of subspecies would dare bury me alive! I'll show them!" He pointed at a figurative them.

"They can't get away with this! How sick can you get! This is just…what are you? Deranged!" Running a hand through his damp hair he attempted to calm himself

"Ok, ok. Deep breaths. Focus Rodney, focus. Let's not go down this road right now. You need to keep your head, get out of here. Why would they bury you alive? You are much too useful for that. Even if you are in an impossibly hopeless situation, Sheppard and his hero complex will save you, he always does. Always _always_ does. He can't help himself, he likes the glory and the girls!" The hands shot up again apparently linked to the speech area of his brain.

"What if he's buried alive too! What if I'm the only survivor? They're all dead from suffocation and it won't be long until my turn comes. I hope there's a hell somewhere so I can track down Sheppard and kick his ass for getting us in this mess…Oh nononononononono, don't think like that. It's fine, it's fine, you'll get out of here, you're practically Superman no matter what anyone says! You always find a way out, come on, come on, think think think!" Again, the hands calmed, resting on his chest as he took deep, purposeful breaths. Before long they were launched back.

"THINK! I'm buried alive! I can't think! I'm going to run out of air and die a horrible gasping death! Why can't I have stayed back this time! I'd be in my nice comfy lab, surrounded by idiots, sure, but I wouldn't be dying!" On and on he went, at times quiet and reassuring, at others loud and furious. He eventually faded away into nothing, his body giving him the respite he so desperately needed.

Then, they came. They sedated him to avoid any unnecessary violence should he wake unexpectedly and took him from the box that held him. He was strong, very strong. It was rare for a newly acquired specimen to stay in control so long, to analyse and hypothesise unrelentingly like he had done. The Lord would be proud, delighted at his choice. It would be very good for them. Yes, detainee number 73945 would be very beneficial to them all.

2


	4. Chapter 4

For Angela, the best thing to come out of this!

**Notes:** I will be forever grateful for any constructive criticism anyone can provide. Hate it or like it, I'd be pleased to know about it!

**Murk**

"It's them Elizabeth. He's there, right under our noses. We just have to go there and make them tell us. They have him…" John was calm and collected but his voice held venomous hatred. He knew it was the only way, to go in with guns blazing. Elizabeth, so set in her diplomatic ways, would talk this out until death.

She sat, watching him, hands clasped together resting in front of her on the briefing room table. To the left, Teyla uncharacteristically slumped in her chair. Ronon leaned back, a frown expressing the worry his body's relaxed pose denied. John paced the room, a bundle of nerves, feeling useless and utterly helpless. Their scientist was missing and had been for too long. Four months, that couldn't be right...

"They have been nothing but cooperative. We have no indication whatsoever that what they say is not the truth. Now, I understand this is difficult to accept, it is hard for all of us, but Rodney…Rodney is gone." John suddenly stopped pacing and turned slowly to face his leader. When he spoke, icicles hung from every word.

"He is not gone. He didn't go anywhere, he was taken! I really don't know about you, but we leave no man behind means something to me!" He took deep breaths in an attempt to keep his cool and let his anger go. Why couldn't they understand, why were they still here talking about this?

In the beginning there had been big, populated meetings. Carson, Zelenka, Lorne and countless others had been involved. They'd discussed search and rescue missions, ways to find the man that had eluded previous attempts. Now it was only the team, Carson and Zelenka joining them when there was no crisis to be handled in their respective department. After all, the world kept on turning and Atlantis kept on humming. John thought something more needed to be done to get Rodney back. If he could've saved himself he would have by now. It was up to them, but everybody was giving up.

He felt a hand on his arm and his eyes locked into sympathising brown ones. As always, Teyla the voice of reason attempted to ease the tension.

"We do not wish to give up on him returning to us but we cannot do anything more. Elizabeth is right, the Taulousiens have been most helpful and we have no reason to doubt them. They too are suffering, grieving for their people lost to the Ring Rebellion…"

"Yeah! Let's talk about that Ring Rebellion! What a bullshit story! A big upheaval, while we were in the city meeting with the _leader, _and no one came in to alert him? Come on! How can I be the only one who sees how wrong that is!"

"You're not." Two words in a low rumbling voice was all it took to convince John that were he to try, were he to go right this second and _make _those lying bastards talk, at least one person would follow. He turned his gaze to Ronon who held it. The women in the room saw and understood. This was something John couldn't let go and Ronon would follow the same path. Elizabeth knew John inspired people in that way; they trusted him, respected him and gave him their all because he did the same for them. She was lucky he had not pressed the issue, had respected her wishes to go slow and not make new enemies. Watching him pace the room she saw how truly hard it was on him. First they had lost Ford, not once, not twice but three times and now Rodney. His absence was felt by scientists and militaries alike. No one else could leave you with the strange mixture of amazement and annoyance he managed to inspire on a daily basis.

"Just one last time Elizabeth, we can't give up. He's never given up on us. He deserves it." A broken man had spoken, pleading for the chance to correct a ghastly mistake.

"It would be good to have him back." Normally, those words would hold little meaning but the man from whom they came increased their magnitude exponentially. Ronon was not known to speak up and Elizabeth felt her resolve crumble further.

"We can simply ask to search their world once more. We have no need to bother the Taulousiens. Perhaps faith will smile upon us today..." Teyla spoke quietly, her faint smile deflecting slightly from the despair that shadowed her eyes.

"This once…" It was all Elizabeth needed to say. They understood it meant more, much more. It meant go and bring him back. They nodded solemnly and she waved them out.

Explaining the situation, Teyla quickly found a pilot for the Puddlejumper in a certain Doctor Beckett who was more than happy to volunteer, this time. They went to the Mainland to seek her people's assistance for the last search. Ronon gathered supplies and a few scientists with which he had developed a strangely close rapport. He respected them for what they were able to achieve and they trusted in his quiet strength. The minute he saw Ronon enter the lab,

Zelenka left all the complaining members of staff to hold their weekly meeting by themselves. He hated going off world with a passion but hated the absence of the CSO, and his friend, much more. John contacted Major Lorne and told him to assemble teams; they were in for a little McKay hunting.

Soon, a large portion of the Atlantis expedition was gathered in the gate room. John stood at the top of the stairs and demanded attention.

"You know the drill. Teams search the woods, the city and all buildings. Ask questions, be resourceful and gain entry to as many rooms as possible. Do not use unnecessary force, we want them friendly, not turning into enemies. Let's bring the doctor home." His eyes scanned the crowd.

"Dial the gate," Elizabeth said.

Through the wormhole they went.

Watching from her usual place in the control room, Elizabeth was left to wait for their return and hope there would be one more amongst them.


	5. Chapter 5

Night and Day

He entered the room silently, not to bother the man who sat at his desk, absorbed by the book laid before him. So beautiful, he was so pleasing to him, in the light of day. The long, light brown hair, the wide shoulders, the strong muscular body. Perfection.

He frowned, remembering what he had been shown. Rodney was not progressing as he'd hoped he would. He hated what had to be done but it was for the better, for the strength of the community. He sat on the platform that stood near the door and called out.

"Rodney. Come here please."

Rodney raised his head as the soft yet firm voice reached him. His eyes locked unto The Lord. He pushed away the book he had been studying and walked to the platform.

"Yes, My Lord." Head bent, eyes focussed on his shoes, he spoke in the demure fashion he had been trained to adopt.

"Rodney, kneel."

"Yes, My Lord." He did as he was told, no questions, no complaints. If it was instructed, he would do it. He kneeled on the first step of the platform and felt a hand run through his hair. He didn't like long hair, it prevented him from seeing properly and decreased his productivity but The Lord liked it therefore he kept it long, eager to please. He hated training as well but his strong and limber body pleased the man so he did it assiduously.

"Would you tell me, dear boy, what you were doing last night?"

Fear entered his soul and froze him. The world stopped turning; his life was over. "I…I…didn't mean. It was…I'm sorry."

There was nothing he could say to make this better. He had been weak last night, had let his thoughts get away from him, had let the darkness come. He'd tried to remember what the voices and faces meant, had thought of home, forgetting for a moment that home was here, that he had no one but this man who gave him so much.

Rodney tried to always remember all that had been done for him here. Tried never to think of anything that had come to pass, but sometimes it would come back, creeping in the dark. A mission gone horribly wrong and the ensuing trip to the infirmary, a joke shared, a conversation held in whispers under the starry sky of some strange planet. All things he had done, things he had shared with people he thought he could trust. People he thought…people he thought accepted him as he accepted them.

"You wished to be away from me, Rodney. You cried for the others. You pleaded for those who left to come for you." The Lord took hold of his chin and raised his head. Blue eyes met brown ones. The disappointment Rodney saw in them made his heart ache and magnified his guilt.

"I love you so and this is how you repay me, by wishing for others who despise you, who mocked you, who left you behind. You break my heart, Rodney."

The words were a mere murmur; a hand stroked his hair, the other caressed his cheek. He closed his eyes, unwilling to see the hurt he had caused this man who was forgiving him once more.

"I'm sorry My Lord. I'm so sorry. I didn't want these thoughts. I can't stop them."

"I know and that is why we must try harder to make them vanish." The Lord gestured for the large man standing uncertainly near the door to approach.

"This is for your own good. I do this for you. It pains me, but I must. It is all for you darling, all for you. You know you are my lighted sky don't you and I do not mean to hurt you?"

"Yes My Lord, thank you My Lord." Strong arms pulled him upright and he was taken to the chamber. He was hooked to the mainframe as The Lord spoke with the man in charge of this section of the detainment complex.

"I want everything replaced."

"But…My Lord, we must be careful…we can't…not in one…"

"I want everything replaced! This has carried on long enough! I have no need for him in this state! I want everything replaced, now! Inform me when it is done."

Unable to deny The Lord's request, the man went against his better judgement. A saddened look upon his face, he activated the terminal phase of the detainee formatting program.

Rodney was left alone in the room. Images came and went before him, too fast to be properly processed. Images of what his life had been. He saw nothing but felt everything. The laughter, the scorn, the hatred, all that had been directed at him came back. All the pain he had ever felt, all the humiliation, the guilt, the shame of a lifetime filled him, possessed him. He felt the presence of all the people he had known, all the ones who had only used him, abused him for his skills. His memories were rearranged, replaced.

Hours later it was over. It went away and he was left alone, a sobbing mass of flesh that had lost the desire to live. He cried and cried until strong arms encircled him and a voice crooned to him, soothing him.

"Rodney, my beautiful, beautiful boy, I am sorry. It is for the best, for your own good. You understand why I can't let you think of this. At night, I cannot be with you. Here, I can be. I can hold you, love you and make it all better. I am here to make you forget. All of that is past. You are safe here, you are loved here and I will never let them hurt you again."

Rodney believed him, this man who loved him so, who wanted him, who would protect him. He regaled in the embrace and the loving words as another voice, deep inside him, screamed that it was all a lie, screamed in anger and disgust. It screamed so very loudly and yet, he couldn't hear it, could only hear the sweet nothings whispered in his ear. The Lord released him and stood. "Go back to work now."

He felt a finger stroke his cheek gently then he was alone again. Rodney longed to be held once more but pushed it away. Work, he had to work if he wanted The Lord to keep him, to cherish him as he did. He returned to his book and tried to understand what it wanted to teach him.

There was a time when he would've gone through the pages at top speed and retained all the information, but here the books were so complicated, all was perplexing. This world held wonders he had never seen before. Once, he had been the smartest of them all, but now…The Lord said it was not his fault, he was still as smart, that this world was much more evolved than his previous one. That is why he had to forget all about it, start over, clean slate. He smiled happily and resumed the contemplation of this strange theory. Gravitational force…It didn't make much sense to him at this point but he knew he would decipher its meaning eventually.

Miles away, in the woods that bordered the clearing where the Ring stood, a woman spoke with a black-haired man. She spoke of detainee number 73945.


	6. Chapter 6

Angela! You are the best of the best of the best.

**Dull**

"I am his guardian, have only been for a short time." The woman hung her head in shame.

They were standing in the woods, hidden by large trees and the shadows they created. The gate stood not too far away. The search teams had spread out a few minutes earlier; John, Teyla and Ronon heading for the woods first. They'd rather be away from the people they were convinced had taken Rodney. After all, they did carry guns and their state of mind was none too friendly at the moment. They'd been walking quietly, each surveying an area, when a woman had appeared out of nowhere. Didn't people know not to jump out like crazed lunatics in the middle of a dark forest! Ronon had almost shot her, with his gun and his unfriendly inclination!

"I was the one who brought him…that day, when The Lord chose him and sent him to the Complex. I was the one who greeted him…under the pretence of touring our research facilities…" She was lost in thoughts, oblivious to the presence of the people she had sought out. She'd heard they'd come back, the guardians had sent words of their arrival to the city, and had hurried to meet them. Selfishly, she wanted to rid herself of the guilt she felt at what her people had done but it wasn't what had driven her to them. No, she wanted to see detainee…Rodney…go back to his world, with his people where he could thrive once more.

"I could see why he had been sent. Full of life, he couldn't stop moving. He spoke, asked questions without pause; showed a keen interest and a depth of knowledge unknown to me. Tall, broad-shouldered, of light colouring, he was quite pleasing to the eyes." She smiled a sad, regretful smile.

"He is even more so now. The Lord has insisted he be put through intensive training so as not to let him fall deep in the abyss of sorrow. It happens. Strength of character harbours great weaknesses and sometimes the specimens cannot cope easily with what is asked of them. They are made to work their bodies; it releases the burden of their soul."

John hadn't heard anything after the word that had caught his attention and produced horrible pictures in his mind. "The specimens?" His body was trembling. If he had been angry before, it had been nothing like what he felt hearing her refer to Rodney as a specimen! He was a _scientist_, he _studied _specimens he didn't become one!

"Yes. That is what we call those that are put through the formatting process."

Sheppard's hands formed fists of their own volition. This just kept getting better and better didn't it? Rodney was going through formatting! He couldn't help making the computer analogy and was glad Teyla and Ronon didn't because it was wreaking havoc inside him. Just the thought of Rodney's brain, erased of all data, ready for input…they had to find him and find him now! Lost in this gruesome contemplation he did not hear Teyla's question, only the answer the woman gave.

"He is kept in the Complex but you cannot go to him now. You must wait for nightfall. He is to pay his respects to The Lord tonight and I am to accompany him from the Complex to the Center then back. We will be alone for very few moments and you will need to move fast."

An alarm sounded in his head alerting him to danger but Ronon was quicker in voicing his concern. "Why would you let us take him when you're meant to be guarding him? Won't you suffer consequences?"

She looked at them, almost pleadingly. "Yes…yes, but I will never suffer as he would, was he to remain here." Her voice was soft again, as if she was talking to herself, as if she had retreated back into a hidden part of her.

"He screams…at night…long animalistic sounds that tear my heart apart. He was never meant to be here. The Lord has made a mistake and will not recognise it, which is very fortunate. Was it not for this, was The Lord not enthralled by him…he… would already be dead." Sharp intakes of breath from her interlocutors did not distract her from her monologue. She went on.

"The formatting process is usually a very short and simple one. Soon, the specimen can be integrated into the community, take the role he has been assigned or be kept by the highest bidder. Rodney…is different. Formatting has not been completely successful on him. He retains a part of his previous self. He is so angry. Screaming every night…every night…" She came back to reality and as she looked at them, they saw tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"I did not know of this! I have never seen a specimen who resisted formatting be kept alive so long. They are useless to us, a waste of resources and are discarded! I did not know! I have only been his guardian for a short time! His previous guardians…They had not seen him before. So full of life, blue eyes shining with unbridled intelligence! Now they are as dull as a grey sky. He cannot be here, you understand? He was never meant to come here! He cannot let go, he cannot surrender completely to The Lord, to his love and protection…"

The more they heard, the more the team felt the need to run to the city and tear everything down until they found him.

"Why does the Lord want him to surrender? What is it that your people want from Doctor McKay?" Teyla's face revealed the genuine confusion she felt.

"The Lord…is a great collector…of lost souls. He sees those who are in need of salvation and takes them, betters them. He is a loving man who wants nothing but to bring peace to all. He saw something in Rodney, something that was not there. You friend is not a weak man nor is he lost. That is why the formatting is so problematic. He was never lost so it is making him lose himself! He remembers and wants the few memories that he retains; he does not want them to leave him."

For once, Rodney's stubbornness could be considered a blessing. Never again would John blame him for it…well, not for a few days at least!

A sound came from deep in the woods and the woman's eyes darted from side to side. "I must get back to the city before I am missed. Continue your search as you would've had we not spoken. Continue your search of the city well into the night. I will not be able to contact you. You must pay close attention to the Complex, the rectangular structure that stands a short way from the City. You must take him by force. It must not show that I was party to his disappearance!" They nodded and she left at a run, fleeing the darkened forest and the anger she had put in the hearts of these people. People who had done nothing wrong but whom her community had condemned to anguish all the same. She believed in The Lord's mission but in this instance the needs of the few, or the one, outweighed the needs of the many.

John turned to his team-mates and shared his plan. "We'll keep this between us for now, it'll limit the chances of it being found out. It might be the only chance we get so we can't screw up!"

"Sheppard. If he was kept in that…Complex…why haven't we found him? Why haven't we _heard_ him? We've searched that area before and they let us search everywhere…"

Teyla nodded. Ronon had raised a valuable point. Could the woman be trusted? If so, then _why_ hadn't he been found? John shrugged in ignorance and they were silent, contemplating the great task of keeping Doctor Rodney McKay, motor mouth of universal renown, quiet. Wanting none of the thoughts that emerged from the 'worst case scenario' part of his mind, John detailed the rest of the day.

"Let's search the wood and make a great show of it, take a long time. The sun should set in three to four hours. When it does, I'll contact Lorne, let him know what's going on and have him send everyone back home except for his team. Maybe we can get a jumper here, keep it flying over the city, cloaked. Yeah…It can detect the life signs and tell us when Rodney's on the move." Teyla smiled and completed John's plan.

"Then we can remove him and make our way back to Atlantis where we shall celebrate his return with a large quantity of Halling's…ummm…distillation efforts I believe is the term." They smiled at each other. Finally, Rodney had been found and they were going to take him home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes:** Tiny teeny one sentence spoiler for Trinity, which, if you haven't seen the episode, you might miss. Forewarned is forearmed though. I'd say it would spoil 2 seconds of the episode so, no big worries, just doing the polite thing in telling you :) Anyways, glad you're taking the time to read this little fic and sure hope you're enjoying it...or not...seeing how it's not the most enjoyable of situations. Ah, poor little Rodney! Let's see how he's doing, shall we?

**Lack of light**

"Not the box not the box not the box not the box not the box. It's not night not night not night. No not the box please not the box!"

Despite his pleas, he was confined to his box. Not box…no. What did they call it? Not…box…no…con…con something or other. It would come back to him.

He lay on his back, his linked hands resting on his chest. He was breathing slowly, as he'd been taught. Not as afraid as he once had been, he still didn't like to be put in the box. He didn't like the darkness to swallow him as it did when they sent it under the Complex. Suddenly it seemed the world didn't exist, he wasn't alive anymore. It was as if he would never see the sunlight again.

It was not so much being in the box as it was being forced into it that bothered him. The darkness just came and took everything. He knew they put him here to protect him, because he was special and they didn't want any harm to come to him. At least this time he had something to look forward to, something to think about while he waited to be released. The Lord would see him tonight and he would answer his questions and laugh with him. They would talk and he would be held. The pretty woman would cut his hair a little, trim his nails and rub lotion on his skin; all the things she did so he would look nice. The Lord would be pleased and want to keep Rodney with him a little bit longer. Maybe he would be lucky tonight and he would fall asleep, not be forced to leave but simply wake up in his box…

It was so quiet here and so dark. He wasn't scared. It was tolerable. They always came back for him, always let him out and said kind things. It wasn't the same now, not the same people. It was a woman that came to collect him, the pretty woman. Everyone was so pretty here, everyone had orderly hair. Orderly hair? Of course they did! Who would walk around with a messy head? No one, that's who! He gave a slight chuckle. Silly Rodney!

He hoped he wouldn't be here too long. Sometimes, when they left him too long, he was hurt and didn't know how it happened. They always took good care of him. One time, The Lord had seen him before he had healed and, oh, he had been so angry, had said that he shouldn't do that to himself. Rodney hadn't and he'd said as much. The Lord had believed him. He was such a nice man…such a nice man. He would see him when he got out of the box…no…not the box. It was not called a box!

He lay for hours concentrating on finding the correct word and his mind started to drift. He heard sounds, saw flashes of faces and places but could recognize none of them. He didn't try because he knew there was no one, nothing. It was the dark that played tricks and he didn't let it bother him anymore. Then, suddenly, it came to him in a flash of clarity.

Containment chamber! Yes! Containment chamber! Not box. He smiled, hummed happily and clapped his hands together in acknowledgement of his great work!

"Containment chamber, containment chamber, containment chamber". He repeated it over and over again as not to forget it. It was a good day today! He'd learned about gravity and he'd remembered this was called a containment chamber! The Lord had been to see him too! He so rarely came when he worked! He could remember so well, the silkiness of his robes, his finger stroking his cheek! Such a nice man…such a nice man.

He would tell him tonight; tell him he remembered it was called a containment chamber. He had to use the proper terms if he wanted to be understood, if he wanted to be accepted by all. The Lord had said he would be if he really wanted to try…

_Really…try…really…try…really…wanna try…if you really wanna try…if you really wanna try. _

Unruly dark hair, a smirking face disappearing behind closing doors…

_I'm sure you can do it, if you really wanna try…Really wanna try…Really wanna try…_

Unruly dark hair, an enduring cocky grin…

The image did not belong to him, he knew it wasn't his. It was one that had to be forgotten, it belonged to someone else! He couldn't be here anymore. The darkness was seeping into him, making him believe things that were not true. He had to get out, get out, get out!

Too late, the darkness was taking over. Faces came, voices came. "NO! NOT THE BOX NOT THE BOX NOT THE BOX! GET ME OUT OF HERE! OUT! I WANT OUT! IT'S NOT MINE! NOT MINE! NOT MINE! I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT MINE!"

Shouting panic dissolved into teary pleas. "Please, come and get me, let me out of here…please, please let me out! Don't let the darkness get me, please, please, please, let me out… nonononononononono, the darkness will get me…" He cried for a long time, still pleading for someone to come and release him. He didn't want to get hurt, didn't want pain before he was to meet The Lord.

He turned to his side and brought his legs up to his body. He rolled himself into a foetal position and held his eyes tightly closed. Faces loomed, closer; voices boomed, louder and names came, clearer.

_John. Teyla. Ronon. Radek. Elizabeth. Carson. Rodney. Rodney. Rodney… _

"Rodney McKay… Doctor Rodney McKay…"

It was hours before she could raise the containment chamber without fear of him being discovered. Not that she feared he would be, she wanted him to be, but for her own safety she had to keep him away, as they always did when his people came.

When the chamber locked into place, she heard the sound. It was, to her horror, almost a familiar sound now.

Thump thump thump. Silence. Thump thump thump. Silence.

Over and over again. Thump thump thump. She knew that when she opened the chamber she would hear incoherent mumbling, moaning, sobbing and the sound of a head hitting metal. If they were lucky, the hitting hadn't been going on for too long and he would be well. If they were really lucky, he wouldn't have bruises all over his body. If they were extremely lucky, he wouldn't have bleeding wounds all over his body.

She had left him too long. He couldn't be in the chamber for more than a few hours. He shouldn't be sent there anymore. She had told The Lord but he'd dismissed her, assuring her the formatting would be completed and he would be well just like all the others. He wasn't well.

When he was confined too long, the bruises and the wounds appeared. He was always surprised to see his battered body when she released him. He would say he hadn't done these things, and he was right. It wasn't detainee number 73945 that did these things. It was the Doctor. He was the one who screamed his fury at night. He was the one who left marks on the body. The detainee never remembered how it had happened but the Doctor left these marks time and time again. She assumed he hoped that someday, the detainee would remember where the marks came from, would remember the Doctor. She hoped he did too.

Letting her tears fall on the detainee as she cradled him in her arms, she noted that his clothes where no longer a pristine white. Patches of deep dark red coloured them.

"Unlucky…" she thought, holding him to her as he cried in long wailing sounds.


	8. Chapter 8

Angela! You are my suuuuuunshine, my only suuuuuunshine, you make me haaaaappy when the new chapter suuuuuucks! You'll never know deaaaaaar how much you make me laugh like a loon alone in my living room, so please don't taaaaaake my suuuuuuuunshine awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!(sorry, so sorry)

**Notes:** A bit of violence here and a little spoiler for Trinity. Bigger than the previous...5 seconds maybe? Ah well, better safe than sorry (yes, I am a goldmine of clichés). Enjoy! (oooh hopefully!)(oooh and hopefully you'll tell me if you do or don't, eh? nudge nudge)

**Shed the light**

It was time.

They'd managed to get a Jumper through the gate by some ridiculous diversionary tactics. Who knew Teyla had it in her! Those guards hadn't seen a thing! A little flirty smile, a hand on the arm and they would've followed her anywhere. Such a strange thing to see Teyla, usually so proper, guiding two men to a forest under some false pretence. Ronon couldn't help being amused as her heard her voice in his head. "Oooooh, yes, I am quite sure I have seen a massive beast. Come with me and we can perhaps find the tracks it left." Her easy acceptance of the plan revealed that she would do anything to find McKay, as would they all. It had been such a simple plan, so easily put in action. Contradictory to Sheppard's usual harebrained schemes. Pretend the search teams were dwindling down, going home. After everyone has gone through, just before the gate shuts down, get that cleverly cloaked jumper out here. No guards to see it, no problems created.

It was now hovering above the City, on the lookout for two lone life signs.

Major Lorne's team was stationed near the Complex, trying to hide in the shiny whiteness that surrounded them. Of all the nights on all the planets, they had to stage a rescue mission on the one that was in the last days of its lunar cycle. Three moons, three full moons. Difficult to hide from the light _that_ generated. But hide they did given that there wasn't a soul outside to see them. Talk about a quiet people!

John had to agree with Ronon, there was no entertainment whatsoever here. He supposed when you had kept specimens in your house you didn't need entertainment. Really, none of them could fathom what The Lord wanted with Rodney. They had hazarded a few guesses but had abruptly stopped when Ronon pointed out that perhaps he simply wanted a toy to play with. No more theorising for them.

"Colonel Sheppard…Jumper 2 here. Three life signs moving your way." the voice of the pilot came through the radio.

"Three life signs! Are you sure?"

"Affirmative Colonel."

Assuming it was Rodney, the second life sign would be the woman and the third…

The answer came in the form of a loud theatrical voice.

"Limployd…" John whispered, eyes narrowing. He gestured for Ronon and Teyla to stay in position as he made his way towards the threesome, the jumper pilot guiding him.

"You're behind them now Colonel. 7 metres…"

He saw them. Rodney walked between the woman and The Lord who held him tightly to his side. John was close enough now. He could hear what the man was saying.

"You know what we will have to do, Rodney don't you? I've told you many, many times not to hurt yourself so…"

Rodney answered him but his voice did not carry the words to John. Quietly, he spoke in his radio.

"Lorne, move in, they're almost on top of you. Teyla, Ronon, cover me." This was too much. John hadn't expected to see Lord Limployd. His reaction to the man was not surprising but unwelcome. Rage made his blood boil and he struggled to regain control. After the mission, after Rodney was safe in Atlantis, he would allow it to come out. Not now, he couldn't. They were reaching the door to the Complex. Walking quickly, John was at their side in an instant.

"Don't. Move." the threat in his voice was unmistakable and the P-90 he had trained on Limployd did nothing to lessen it. The woman's eyes grew wide, as did Rodney's, but Lord Limployd just smiled and spread his arms wide in a welcoming gesture.

"Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard! What a pleasure to see you again! It has been too long. I was beginning to think you had given up!"

"You have something that belongs to me, Limployd. I want it back…"

The Lord laughed, throwing his head back. He grasped Rodney's shoulder. "Is this what you want, Colonel Sheppard? Is this what you say belongs to you."

Rodney let out a small whimper and mumbled.

"What? What did you say, Rodney? Speak up!"

Rodney moved closer to The Lord who put and arm around his shoulder, drawing him close. "No…"

"No what, Rodney? Express yourself with clarity please."

"No, I don't belong to him."

Limployd smiled a sick slow spreading smile and reached out to stroke Rodney's cheek. The man closed his eyes in apparent delight.

"No you don't. You belong to me don't you, my beautiful boy? You belong to me…"

Rodney nodded and moved closer still to The Lord.

"See, John Sheppard, out of the mouths of babes. Now, you will take your people and leave my world. You will never return again. Rodney is mine. I have chosen him and with me he shall remain."

Ronon stepped out of the shadows, a fierce look in his eyes, his weapon held straight on Limployd.

"I don't think so…" How could this man think they would ever leave McKay behind! His finger itched to pull the trigger. Send him flying backwards and see in his eyes the realization that this was death. Ronon itched to kill that man just as he had killed Kell, but perhaps he would enjoy drawing this out, make him feel pain. The sight of Rodney, patches of blood tainting his white uniform was a reminder to them all that they had failed him. Keeping a trained hateful eye on Limployd, Ronon turned his attention to a calm Sheppard. This meant trouble and he was glad to be in the middle of it.

John was shaking his head slightly, internal struggle apparent on his face. What had they done to him! Where the hell was the man that snapped his fingers at you like you were some trained dog! Where was the man that yelled at you if you looked at him funny! Where was the man that…where was his team-mate, his friend? He'd told Elizabeth it had been too long! Told her! What had they been thinking! Why had he let her put down the law like that! Yes, she was the expedition leader, but he was the military leader and this was a military situation.

Suddenly, it was not about getting Rodney back, it was about hurting Limployd. It was about drawing blood. He saw the dried blood staining Rodney's clothes. Now he wanted to see that silk draped bronzed skin split and let its precious liquid out in a great big wave of red and warmth and life.

First, he would play with Limployd a bit. He thought he knew John Sheppard but he had no idea! John raised his hands in mock surrender. Mock; after all, he was still holding his weapon.

"Fine. We'll leave your world. I'll take my people and go…" He turned, took a few steps away from the threesome that stood by the Complex's door. He felt the eyes of his team on him, boring into him. He heard them begin to move and that is when he turned back to face his adversary. The Lord seemed delighted, looking him over with a smugness that should have been on the terrified face of the man clinging to him. John saw nothing other than that smugness, that final insult. They took his smugness! Assuredly, this was not the most coherent thought of the night but it made sense to him. That bastard Limployd had Rodney's smug look! It was his! He had to give it back! Someone had to pay for this. John wanted reparation and held the certainty that Rodney would want it too!

He raised a finger, as if to make a point. "One last thing, Lord…"

Raising his gun, he shot Limployd who was thrown back against the building and slid to the ground, leaving a trail of blood on the white, shiny surface. John only saw that red rivulet running down the man's face and satisfaction flooded him.

"I'll take _all _my people…and go." He stepped over the body of the gasping, bleeding Lord and reached for Rodney. He had not expected him to resist. Rodney fought like the devil, fists hitting everything they could reach as tears streamed down his face.

"My Lord! My Lord! You killed My Lord! YOU KILLED HIM!"

The fists couldn't hurt John, despite the fact that Rodney had grown much stronger in the months he had been here. Blind, tearful desolation did not make for a good fight, especially against a trained military. John let him pound away his despair as he signalled for someone to grab the distraught man. Physical pain was inconsequential in comparison to what the words inflicted.

"You killed My Lord," Rodney repeated, "My Lord."

He was quickly restrained by Ronon and Lorne as John whispered "Damn it Rodney, what the hell have they done to you…" thus voicing what the surrounding members of the team thought.

The woman, his guardian, placed a hand upon Rodney's cheek and spoke in a calming voice. "Do not worry about The Lord, we will see to him. You must go with them, Rodney. They will care for you now…You will be safe."

Rodney's face was a mask of pain and he slumped further between Lorne and Ronon. They were the lucky ones; they held him, had a tangible bond. Physical contact was all that could be had with him now. Rodney was gone, taken from them, and no one could reach him. Touch…a simple touch was immensely comforting.

"The Lord…I can't leave him, he needs me…I need him. Please don't make me go. I will do better, I will work harder, I won't bleed anymore. You can put me in the box…in the containment chamber, I won't be hurt! Please don't make me go. Please. I can be better!" The words coming out of Rodney's mouth affected everyone witness to the scene to an unimaginable degree. This was not the man they knew. He was so far removed from Rodney McKay that it felt like listening to a stranger.

John didn't want this, couldn't handle this. He'd seen some horrifying things in his day but never…never this… never… this formatting…

He couldn't help shouting his dismay. "RODNEY! SNAP OUT OF IT!"

Rodney seemed to neither hear him nor notice the two men holding him up. His eyes clouded by an unending flow of tears were locked on Limployd's body.

The woman gave John a warning look, shaking her head. They had to be gentle. "Rodney. You must go. You must be strong and go with them."

She signalled for the team to take him away. They did, Rodney's anguished cries echoing through the night. Promises and pleas spilled from his lips. He would be better, would do whatever was asked of him. He promised to stay in his box for days and face the darkness if they would only keep him, if The Lord would only love him. Apologies and regrets followed. He was not good enough, he knew, but he would try harder it they would just keep him!

Every word he spoke cut through his team's heart. Doctor Rodney McKay didn't promise anything or plead with anyone. He didn't ask for chances, he had no need for them since he excelled at everything he did. He didn't apologise, well, unless he blew up five sixth of a solar system. John thought of the event following the dismal failure of the Arcturus project, reliving the memory of Rodney's sole apology. He would've found it unbearable had he known it was the only memory that still connected his friend to his prior life; the only memory that brought the finger-snapping doctor back.

"John Sheppard…"

John stopped and turned to look at the guardian who had spoken. Her teary eyes were locked on Rodney's back. He was being carried towards the centre of the City where the cloaked jumper had landed. Teyla followed closely, a hand stroking his back in a comforting motion. She did it to soothe Rodney but it soothed her just the same. He was there, at last, a warm bulk under her hand. They had him, or at least some form of him. They were bringing him home.

The guardian spoke, her voice softened by what she saw, relieved by the certainty she now held. He would be fine, it would be hard, but he would be well, he would be…cherished…

"You must take good care of him. A long road stretches ahead. Filled with heartache, it waits for him to take a step and begin the journey towards wholeness. He is not the man you knew but with care and patience I believe he can be found. You must go now, leave and never come back." She turned away from him to tend to The Lord.

John entered the Jumper and sat at the controls. Carson had already sedated Rodney and was examining him, noting the bruises, the wounds with growing dread. The search teams were sitting quietly, listening to thickly burred words of concern and regret. John directed the Jumper towards the gate. He knew they had done what they'd come to do, they had found their team-mate, but it wasn't Rodney they were bringing back. An all-oppressing guilt settled over him and once again he wished he had come sooner, he wished he hadn't screwed this up. He'd failed everyone on Atlantis and worst of all, he'd failed Rodney.

Looking back to the man strapped on a gurney, John's thought brought him to what he had done to The Lord. He didn't know if the man was dead. He had simply left and followed his team without another glance at the…appalling excuse for a human being responsible for Rodney's current condition.

He thought of all the times they had come here, searching. No one had said a thing! They had allowed this to happen! Why did it have to be Rodney! Why did they have to come here at all!

Wanting for something to distract him from the feelings finding Rodney in such a state aroused, John clung to his usual. Resentment directed to the powers that be. Elizabeth.

Rodney would have been in Atlantis a long time ago if it wasn't for her belief in the power of diplomacy! He had known, and said, it was not the way to deal with this situation, with these people. She would see now, wouldn't she! She would see what all that waiting had cost Rodney! She would see what diplomacy did to him, what good trying to keep the Taulousiens as allies had brought! This was the Genii, times a million!

In the months to come he often would wish he had made sure Limployd was dead, wish he had killed him with his bare hands when he'd had the chance. He would not be the only one. The Atlantis expedition would collectively wish they had choked him to death for to see him die in front of each and every one of them would bring the sweet taste of revenge to counteract the bitterness.


	9. Chapter 9

Dawning

"What have they done to ya Rodney…"

Examining Rodney was something Carson Beckett would have gladly passed on to a member of his staff. It was a question of self-preservation akin to selfishness. He didn't want the memory, but Carson knew Rodney was not comfortable with other doctors and he was not a selfish man. Certainly not one to renege on his obligations; be they medical or moral. That is why he found himself describing the wounds and bruises that were scattered across the scientist's body.

"Note the contusion covering the patient's left bicep. A laceration inside the elbow…"

He kept it clinical, kept himself detached. He saw that something had breached the epidermis and dermis. Saw that it had not only breached it but taken it away completely. Realised that the something had most likely been teeth.

"…the laceration seems to have been disinfected. No need for stitches, it'll need to be dressed. A laceration on the forearm, the wrist and the hand will require the same treatment."

He examined one side of Rodney's body then the other. Along the way, he found many bruises and wounds. Although the wounds on his arms had obviously been made by teeth, the ones that covered the rest of his body left Carson perplexed as to their provenance. It seemed like the skin had been pulled away. Like Rodney had been…peeled. That was the closest Carson could come to making sense of it. It disturbed him greatly having eaten an orange, or some fruit similar to it, earlier. He pictured his hands taking away the layer of skin, carefully tearing it away from the fruit's flesh and he saw the missing skin on Rodney's flesh and...

"Oh dear…" he groaned, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes.

When it was determined that Rodney had suffered no life threatening injuries he was left to sleep off the sedative that had been administered in the Jumper.

Carson instructed a nurse to keep a close watch on the unconscious man. Giving the instruction was unnecessary, Rodney's condition would be closely monitored, but familiarity was too much of a solace not to make use of it. He left the infirmary and made his way towards the meeting room where he would have to relate his findings.

As he neared the room, he could hear voices raised in anger. He entered and was not surprised to find John pacing the room, as Ronon, Teyla, Lorne, and Zelenka looked on. Elizabeth stood, the chair behind her having seemingly rolled away when she pushed herself off. Carson sat beside Zelenka who offered him a small smile in acknowledgement.

"All the time we wasted, Elizabeth! It might be too late now! We might've really lost him!"

"It's not too late, John! We found him! He's here, and we'll do all we can for him. He will get better!"

All the anger, the fight, left John in a second. He visibly gave up, embodying defeat.

"You haven't seen him. You didn't hear him. He's…I don't think he's even there anymore."

No, Elizabeth had not really seen him. Only glimpsed at an unconscious form on a gurney before it was hurriedly taken to the infirmary. What she had seen were the faces of the people who had brought him back, and what a story they had been telling.

She had been surprised to see such dejection on the features of the primary search team. Rodney was back, albeit injured, but here with them, in Atlantis. Safe and sound.

She quickly came to realise that while he was safe he was not exactly sound. As John explained what had happened on the planet, she recognised that this outcome was much worse than what she had anticipated. Of course, they had assumed he would be injured in some shape or form but…

"He's crazy. He's lost his mind!" John gave a small mirthless laugh. "Rodney's lost his mind! No more genius…it's just…" He made a gesture to indicate something disappearing out of thin air. "It's just gone…do you know what that'll do to him? What it has done to him?"

"I do." It had been a rhetorical question but Elizabeth answered it just the same before silence fell upon the room, all contemplating the horror of the situation.

"It is not him. Not anymore. He is…in Rodney's body but…not Rodney…" Zelenka spoke in a soft voice and yet it was deafening. The myriad of emotion contained in that comment would have turned a sigh into a roar.

Her eyes settling on the Czech, Elizabeth noted Carson's presence. She hadn't even seen him come in, which indicated how deeply disturbed she was.

"Carson. How is he?"

The dreaded question. He didn't want to say. He wanted to run out of the room and hide. He couldn't sit there, in this conventional setting and tell them about such gruesome things. But all the eyes were trained on him and he knew he had to speak eventually.

"He's…still sedated. There seems to be no serious injuries, nothing broken, no internal bleeding. He wasn't dehydrated, not suffering from malnutrition. In fact, I would say he's healthier than he's ever been, his blood pressure is within normal range, he's lost weight…"

"He had blood all over his clothes!" It was not the first time any of them had seen a bloodied Rodney. The previous times were after he'd been chased by the Wraith or attacked by something or other. This was…different. Koyla and Atlantis takeover different.

Even after all that had happened on Taulouse, they still held to the belief that Rodney was fine, it was just shock. That if they only gave it a few days he would be back to his annoying self. John wanted to hear that Rodney had been doped, drugged out of his mind even though he knew it was not true. Rodney's eyes had been focused, his movements precise, his speech clear, before he became emotional.

"There was. He…there's…" Carson breathed in deeply and let it all out in one quick burst of words. "He's been bitten and scratched very deeply. There's a lot of skin missing but no infections. The wounds have been cleaned and properly treated."

"Do you mean to say that something on Taulouse attacked him?" Teyla's eyes shone with concern.

"I…well…this is only speculative but…I…due to the placement of the wounds it would be safe to say that…" He couldn't say it, couldn't voice his thoughts! It would only make it true. As long as it stayed in his head, it stayed in the realms of fantasy, sick and disturbing fantasy.

Elizabeth looked sympathetically at Carson but spoke with authority. "Carson? Say it, we need to know." They needed to hear this, to know what was causing the usually forthcoming and professional doctor to tergiversate in such a way.

"It would seem that the wounds were inflicted by Rodney himself."

Once again, silence fell upon the room only to be broken by a murmur originating from Elizabeth.

"My God…"


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes:** Must give thanks where thanks are due. Angela, of course, you are the best. One to add, goron from Wraithbaith, who's feedback elongated this chapter and brought in two characters that were not in the first draft.

**Sombre thoughts**

Rodney woke, slowly, leisurely. It took only a moment for him to realise something was wrong.

He lay on his back but not on the cold, hard surface he had become accustomed to. He was on a bed. There was light, strong bright light. It beat against his eyelids to reach his eyes. He was used to waking in the dark.

His hands were in restraints, as were his ankles. He tentatively opened his eyes. White…metal…bubbly watery columns…machines. He wondered where he was, why he wasn't in his box. He concentrated on his last conscious thought and immediately wished he hadn't.

"My Lord…" he wailed as misery filled every inch of his body.

He remembered. He had been with The Lord. He had been wearing his usual clothes, not the robe he was meant to. He hadn't been bathed nor had his skin been rubbed with lotion. The Lord hadn't been happy. He'd asked why Rodney was disrespecting him so and Rodney could not say. The Lord had motioned for the woman to come and tend to him. She told him that Rodney was hurt, that he needed to heal and the bathing oils could cause infection. At first, The Lord had shouted, lashed out but then he'd held Rodney to him and had softly stroked the wounded skin.

They were taking Rodney to the containment chamber when a man had come. He'd come and…and…

"MY LOOOOORD!" he shouted, the agony of the realisation sending a stream of tears down his cheeks.

Carson jumped to his feet and ran out of his office when he heard the yell. A nurse was already at Rodney's bedside but he motioned her away. Gently, he put a hand on the crying man's shoulder and tried to reach him, where he was, in his cold and desolate world.

"Rodney…Rodney, it's Carson. Everything's alright, you're in Atlantis…"

The cries continued as Rodney tried to curl into himself, forgetting the restraints. When he couldn't move, he laid back, burrowing his head deep in the pillow. Sorrow was pouring out of him and Carson could not think of anything else to do to ease the ache but sedate him. He left his hand on his shoulder until Rodney fell into an uneventful sleep.

It was not the best course of action, certainly not, but until all the wounds had mended completely he needed Rodney to be calm. The skin was badly breached and needed time to heal. Heightmeyer would not be pleased. She had asked to be informed when Rodney woke, it was imperative she see him.

Carson understood that, but he also understood deep-seated, clawing pain. Rodney needed for the world to stop turning at this precise moment, he didn't need to be reminded of the horror it held. Heightmeyer would wait, she would understand. Carson couldn't leave Rodney in such a state. Once his body was healed, they would work on his mind.

He arranged the sheet over the unconscious man and sat to speak to him. There was nothing else he could do, nothing else he wanted to do.

"Rodney…we'll get you back. I know it must be hard for you. You must be confused, and scared. You're grieving…we can't really understand why but you're grieving for that man…"

He ran a hand over his eyes, exhaustion catching up with him.

"Let me tell you…we won't be giving up on you anytime soon. We need you…we've missed you, with all your faults, your arrogance, your ego, your rudeness. Missed your quick wit, your dry humour and your blunt honesty. It hasn't been the same around here, that's for certain. For one, my job's been a lot easier since you haven't been barging in here any time, day and night…."

He smiled, remembering how it had been before, but sighed for the exact same reason.

"I didn't want my job to be easier…none of us did. You're a hard man to keep up with Rodney, a difficult man to deal with but…we'd rather deal with it all than go without you. You'll need to do this for us…you'll need to be stronger than you've ever been, and I know that's a lot to ask, but you'll need to do it all the same, okay?"

He left when he realised he had been waiting for an answer. An answer from a sedated man…

…yeah, he needed to sleep.

On his way out of the infirmary, he met with Elizabeth who was obviously as tired and upset as he was.

"How is he?"

"He had a little panic earlier but he's under sedation now, sleeping like a baby."

There really was no point telling her he had been crying for Limployd. It would be in the report.

"I'll just…stay for a while…"

"Of course…I was on my way to bed but Nurse Flannigan is here. Stay as long as you like…but do get some sleep, Elizabeth, you look exhausted."

Carson left her after a pat on the arm and she moved to the chair he had just vacated. Rodney looked so peaceful, despite the restraints. She pushed a strand of hair that had fallen to his face. How strange to see him like this. The long hair didn't suit him, but the newly acquired muscle definition did. His body was much healthier now, lean and muscular, even his face had lost some of it's…plumpness. She cradled his left hand in hers.

"I'm taking the easy way out Rodney, being a coward. Apologising when you can't hear me, or answer me. When you can't choose not to accept my apology."

She smiled in self-derision.

"I've come to apologise for waiting so long…I…I thought you were dead Rodney. I'd given up on you and it hurt too much to keep believing, like John did, like your team did. Even Zelenka…he was certain you couldn't die like this…"

She affected an approximation of the Czech's accent.

"Undignified way for him to die. He is not dead, he is…too pompous to be dead on strange planet. He dies in glory, not in anonymity."

Then the tears came. She could not help it. She had failed him. John thought she had. She could hear his words echo in her mind…we've waited too long…diplomacy was never the way…we sat back and let them do this to him.

"I'm so sorry…I should've allowed John to do as he wished. If only he hadn't listened! How did that happen, he's never listened before! It's not his fault. I'm the leader here, I made the decision. I allowed this to happen to you…"

She felt a hand on her shoulder, pressing gently. John spoke quietly.

"You didn't Elizabeth. It was all of us. I could've made the decision to go at anytime…"

"I gave up on him, John." There laid the hurt. Not with the long wait before any action, not with the state in which he had returned to them. She had given up on a colleague, a friend. She had failed him. Rodney had been part of this expedition from day one, from the planning stage. It had always been him they needed. She had just given up on him, refusing to hope. She had not wanted to allow the searches to continue. The teams coming back empty-handed meant having to admit he was gone, repeatedly! It had been better to make a clean break, to believe he was dead.

"No you didn't. You simply faced a difficult truth none of us wanted to face. I didn't mean those things I said earlier. It was just misdirected anger. You did what you had to do. You stayed strong and did what was best when we all…"

He waved his hand in a gesture she translated to unravelled. She understood what he meant, knew he was right, she had not intended for any of this to happen. She had had to think of the whole, not just Rodney, but the guilt would still plague her days.

"Come on, you should get to bed…"

He helped her up and she made to leave the room. She noticed he had not followed.

"John?"

He raised the eyes that were set on Rodney's sleeping form to look at her and unknowingly echoed the words she had spoken to Carson moments earlier.

"I'll stay…just for a while…"

She considered him for a moment, nodded and left him to exorcise his demons.


	11. Chapter 11

**Bright**

He sat with Rodney at the mess hall table. A month had gone by since he had been released from the infirmary. His…condition…required a continual presence and today was John's day. They usually split it in half, changing shift every twelve hours, but John didn't mind taking the whole day. They were still friends no matter how different Rodney was.

Rodney saw Doctor Heightmeyer twice, sometimes three times a week. The diagnosis was Dissociative Identity Disorder and he was making good progress, gradually becoming more open to dialogue. Slowly, morsels of what he had done during his captive months were released, if reluctantly.

Heightmeyer had explained that, after a traumatic event, thoughts, emotions or memories were sometimes separated from the rest of the psyche. She had gone on to say that it was usually the identity emerging from traumatic events that was repressed after they occurred, but in this instance Rodney had retained only the self that had gone through captivity, denying his prior self. It was atypical but this wasn't genuine dissociation, it had been engineered. If the brain had been fooled, it could be fooled back to its original setting, or so they hoped. Doctor Rodney McKay's brain was a powerful thing and fooling it could prove difficult.

In light of this, the formatting process made sense. Completely twisted, but explicable. Rodney remembered his life before Taulouse. Regrettably, he recalled a series of distorted experiences as opposed to the actual events. The formatting had conditioned him to think he had only been hated, mocked and used. He had been filled with false memories. He remembered all the people he had known but not as they truly were, only as spiteful, hateful people.

This information had only strengthened, throughout Atlantis, the desire to go back to M1F 982 and destroy everything. How could they go on living with the knowledge that something like this might be happening to inhabitants of other worlds?

At least Rodney was not the crying fearful individual he'd been the first three weeks. He seemed fairly content now. They had gained his trust by proving to him that they wanted nothing more than his happiness and well being. It had been such a strange thing to do at first, take care of him, reassure him…like a child. He craved the attention, basked in the glow of protection and love.

John's smile held little joy as he thought that, in any case, it was very good for team building. Everyone rallied around one goal; make Rodney as comfortable as possible. He'd even seen Ronon hug him fiercely the first time he had laughed. The gigantic warrior certainly looked tough but was as soft as cotton. Yes, they took good care of their own. There had been talks of sending Rodney back to Earth but they'd fought it. Rodney needed to be surrounded by people who knew him, who cared for him, not in some mental health facility being pumped full of medicine!

Sometimes, they got glimpses of the man he used to be. He'd grinned earlier, his 'delighted kid' grin. The one he got when he was really challenged or he found something amazing, like a ZPM. The one he'd gleefully flashed when he'd been invulnerable. Granted today he'd been grinning at the butterscotch pudding but, hell, it was good pudding so he had every right!

Licking the last of it off his spoon, John leaned back in his seat and watched Rodney consume his. Some things never changed and his love of food certainly hadn't. It had been a good day so far. John had done a bit of paperwork while Rodney read and then they'd gone to watch Ronon train the new arrivals. Rodney was so easy-going now, it made a nice change. Not to say John wouldn't give his sight to have the annoyingly abrasive scientist back. He would, he would give it all but, from what Heightmeyer said, this was a part of Rodney that had been there all along. It had simply been very well hidden. It only confirmed what they had suspected; the prickly scientist was in fact a very sweet and cuddly man.

Rodney finished his pudding, dipping a finger in the cup to scoop out remaining milligrams. He brought the finger to his mouth and pulled it out, puddingless, with a loud pop.

"Good?"

Rodney looked up at John, really looked at him, full eye contact, and grinned again.

"Yes, thank you. I think…I think I like pudding a lot…"

Smiling, John got up to put their trays away.

"Yeah, I like pudding too…I like pistachio myself but butterscotch is fine." He put an arm around his shoulders and they left the mess hall.

"What are we doing this afternoon Mist…huh…John?

Rodney was happy he'd remembered. John, he wanted to be called John because that was what friends called him and Rodney was his friend. His friend…He had friends here and they took care of him and they loved him. It had been so frightening at first, all these people he thought hated him. Doctor Heightmeyer had explained that they didn't hate him, that a lot of the things he remembered were not true. It seemed peculiar to him but he trusted that woman, she was so smart and pretty. He also had not been hurt since he'd arrived here. Not one bruise, not one wound and that reinforced his feelings of security.

His analytical persona had come back. He evaluated everything and drew conclusions. He'd evaluated everyone's behaviour in comparison to his beliefs and the latter had seemed erroneous so he had dismissed them and chosen to believe he was welcome here.

He spent days in the lab with Zelenka, watching him work. He loved when he explained things to him, like Rodney knew what they were, like Rodney was really the genius everyone said he was. He didn't understand much, Zelenka knew it, but he let him pretend all the same. He listened attentively and nodded. The small man was so gentle and so kind. He was very busy but took the time to come and see Rodney, even when it wasn't his day. In fact, a lot of people spent time with him even when it wasn't their turn.

Rodney knew he was being watched over and it felt good. He got to do many different things, it was all so exciting. Like today, John had said he would take him to the mainland, in the Jumper! They had to help the…the…oh no…

John felt Rodney's body tense. Heightmeyer had said to let him go through the motion, not step in and stop any show of emotion even when they were bad thus he simply squeezed his shoulder in a reassuring manner.

"John…" Rodney's voice was small and hesitant.

"Yeah?"

"I don't…I…" He sighed deeply and fell silent.

They had reached the Jumper Bay. John opened the rear hatch of his favourite one and motioned for Rodney to go in before he spoke, following him.

"What is it Rodney?"

"I don't remember the name…of…of the people on the mainland…"

He looked so desolate but at least he had not apologised. John figured it was a very good thing.

"The Athosians? Yeah, I try to forget them myself sometimes, especially when we have to go help with harvest huh?" He smiled cheekily and sat down at the controls.

"Come on buddy, take a seat!"

Rodney complied eagerly, the grin back in place. It was definitely a good, grinning type of afternoon.

The hangar door opened to reveal a beautiful Atlantean day. The vivid blue of the sky, the bright sunshine, and the absence of clouds contributed to the two men's cheerful mood.

In this near flawless moment, they almost forgot about the clouds in Rodney's eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

**Warnings: **Use of bad pseudo-scientific concepts, if your scientific mind is easily offended, please, do not read on. We will not be held responsible for brain melt.

**Glow**

This was fun! The sun was high and bright but the wind was counteracting its warming effects, thus helping to keep him in comfortable warmth. He could feel his muscles working as he lifted the bundle of grain and brought it to the homestead, skin glistening with sweat. It was incredible really, to be outside, working amongst others.

John leaned on a fence post and watched Rodney. He missed the complaining, the bitching, the snarking. He missed it atrociously today because the man was never happy to be outside unless it involved pretty women in bikinis and food. Even then, John doubted Rodney had ever really enjoyed the beach. All that sand…

The Athosians had not seen Rodney often though they knew what had happened and had been troubled by the doctor's disappearance. It was the first time he had come to the mainland well enough to interact with the others. Teyla, who had been with her people for a few days, helping them with preparations for the harvest, came to stand beside John.

"He is happy."

"Yeah."

"But he is not the man we wish to see happy."

John raised an eyebrow. How did she do it, always know the unspoken thoughts? He hadn't said it because it sounded so selfish, so callous. This Rodney should be happy. He was a very nice guy and he deserved a life he could enjoy, regardless of how embittered John felt.

"No…he isn't…"

"It is normal, John, to want Doctor McKay back…As pleasant as he is now, he is not whom we first met, he is not whom we grew close to."

"Heightmeyer said he was, in a way."

"Certainly…inside each of us lies the child we once were. Sometimes, it comes out. I believe yours enjoys Ferris Wheels, has great humour and, at present, longs for his best friend to be well. I believe Rodney's craves attention and love and is in awe from all the wondrous things the universe has to offer..."

"He likes pudding a whole lot too." They stood in companionable silence until John turned to her. "He was like that before, huh? He did become an astrophysicist, and he always gets too excited whenever physics are involved or when he thinks he's got a solution…or…he did before."

"Yes, I believe we are fortunate to fully see the part of him he denies, he tries to hide under layers of rudeness and impatience. In a way, this experience has brought us something very precious."

"The mystery that is Rodney McKay."

She nodded silently. This was difficult on them all. She loved the time spent in Rodney's company and hated it at the same time. It was a blessing to know the man behind the doctor, but she really wanted the doctor back. It was fortunate there had not been a big crisis in Atlantis in the time he had been gone. All the scientists were very smart but none could match Rodney's innate skills. She turned her eyes to the man occupying her thoughts to see him standing still, a frown upon his face. He seemed puzzled.

Indeed he was. A man had called him Doctor McKay, repeatedly, while standing right in front of him, looking at _him_. Then, with a bright red flush creeping up his face, he'd said Rodney.

Rodney felt strange now. He felt…he didn't know how he felt. He'd been so pleased to be here, helping, being trusted with something other than, oh, brushing his teeth. Now, he was just…frustrated? Yes, that was it. Frustrated. Because the man hadn't known his name? No, that wasn't it. Because…because this was all pointless! Why were they wasting time carrying pail after pail of grain to the homestead when all they had to do really was put it all in the Jumper and fly there once! The Jumper could land there! The area was sufficiently clear to land it and, anyways, John was a gifted pilot wasn't he! He could land the damn thing anywhere! Really, the energy they were using to walk all the way over there was completely wasted. It would be much faster his way!

"Woah…"

He hadn't realised he had spoken, or that John and Teyla were at his side.

"Woah what?"

McKay turned, wide eyes showing confusion and surprise.

"I think…I think we should…put the pails of grain in the Jumper and then you could fly over there and it would all be done much faster…"

John and Teyla stared at him, the surprise having transferred itself to them. Rodney was positively beaming now, muttering to himself.

"Yes….yes…that can work, that would work…"

Just when he was about to answer, John's radio clicked and he heard Elizabeth's – we have a problem but I am calm – voice.

"Colonel Sheppard? This is Weir. Come in please."

He turned away and distanced himself with a few steps. "Sheppard here."

"We have a problem, you need to come back."

"What sort of problem?"

"The gate. It's fall – what! Yes, I'll be right there," she said off-radio before going back to John. "Get back right away, John." A click and she was gone.

He turned and smiled reassuringly at Rodney.

"That was a great idea but unfortunately we have to go, seems the City won't work without us!"

Rodney smiled and nodded. "Ok…" he said before shifting his gaze to Teyla. "I will see you again soon, eh?"

They parted after her promise that she would be back in the City within the week. They bid adieu to everyone and left.

The ride back to Atlantis was a quiet one, John wondering what was wrong and Rodney wondering why he was feeling the way he was. It was new. He felt…impatient…He felt…he didn't feel at all pleased like he had earlier.

They got to Atlantis and John guided him to the lab. "I have a few things to do, Rodney, and I'm sorry, but maybe you can stay in the lab with Zelenka for a while? I'll be back soon and we can have dinner and read a bit? Sounds good?"

Rodney nodded. It was good! He loved the lab!

They went in and found frenzied scientists running amok in a panicked state. Zelenka was yelling, ordering people left and right.

"Ah! Colonel! You are here! You see Dr. Weir?"

John shook his head. "Been on the mainland, just came back. I thought maybe Rodney could stay with you…"

"Oh…yes…no…humm…He can stay, but…"

"You're busy, "Rodney said. "I don't mind. I can stay in my room, John, I can stay on my own…"

John grabbed his arm and left the lab after a quick nod to Zelenka.

"No, no, someone needs to be with you, we need to keep you entertained now don't we…maybe Ronon can stay with you…"

As Sheppard reviewed his options, Elizabeth's voice came over the radio.

"Colonel. You need to be here, now!"

He looked at Rodney who was trying to make himself as small as possible. Sheppard angled his head thoughtfully for a moment, and then made his way to the nearest transporter, Rodney in tow.

"Be there in a second, Elizabeth."

He turned to Rodney and smiled. "This is going to be fun! Very exciting you'll see! I just need you to trust me and everything will be great!"

"I do trust you, John…"

"Right, that's good. Stay close and listen to me. Can you do that, stay calm and do as I ask even if you're scared? I'm sure you can, you can do anything when you really try!"

"Yeah, I can do that…"

Rodney heard it, he heard the voice…really wanna try…really wanna try…really wanna try. He saw the unruly dark hair, the permanent grin and he knew that memory was his. It had always been his. The man it featured was real.

They got to the control room to see the gate engulfed in a red glow that pulsed erratically.

"What the hell is going on!"

"We…I…are you sure Rodney should be here?" Elizabeth asked.

The scientist had gone down the steps and was walking around the gate, frowning.

"It's fine, he's harmless…he'll be quiet if I ask him. Mind telling me why our gate's been turned into some kind of weird glowy heart attack simulation?"

"The Taulousiens want Rodney back. That…that Lord sent a message. We, of course, told him there was no way he was getting him back. They sent the pulse. They said the field will spread gradually. Nothing is affected for the moment, just the gate."

John wasn't angry, no. What he felt was completely off the scale, there was no word to describe it.

"That BASTARD! I should've made sure he was dead!"

"No…no…John. I don't think he was the same man. He wasn't blond. He was short, brown hair, receding hairline, big eyebrows, brown mousy eyes…"

"Mr. Esteban…"

"What?"

"He was the Ring Control guy! Mr. Esteban! The guy who interviewed us to see if we were worthy of their planet! He's the new Lord? What the hell does he want with Rodney?"

Elizabeth shook her head to indicate her ignorance. Their eyes went back to the gate and the man standing a few feet away.

"Zelenka's run tests. He's running a diagnostic on the pulse to see what might be causing it."

"Ok, and what are we doing to stop it from spreading?"

"We don't know yet but we hope it will not get to that."

"What about shutting it down?"

"We've tried that."

"So…what?"

"We don't know, we'll wait for Zelenka…"

Their eyes were drawn to Rodney, circling the gate and mumbling to himself, a look of intense concentration on his face. He stopped pacing and snapped his fingers, once. He left the room at a run.

"Did you see that?" Amazement coated John's voice and features.

John took off after Rodney. He had snapped his fingers! Snapped his fingers! He had never seen_ this_ Rodney do it! Or go anywhere by himself! His heart was pounding and he couldn't help the hope that swelled within him.

Rodney entered the lab and found it still in chaos. Striding in like the master of his domain, he spoke in a loud commanding voice!

"Alright people! I need a laptop and I need it now!"

He pointed to a woman and shooed her away. "You! Go exist somewhere else!"

When she didn't comply, she hadn't really understood the request, he grew much more impatient. "Out of the way, out of the way, out of the way…"

Silent stillness now characterised the lab. The only noisy, moving thing was Rodney forcibly, yet with extreme care, removing the woman from the chair before claiming it.

He was sitting at the desk, furiously entering data in the computer, muttering to himself when John came in. McKay reached for his headset…but it wasn't there. He snapped his fingers once more and asked for one to be provided. It was such a simple gesture but suddenly, the same hope that inhabited John spread throughout the room. Zelenka, who had moved to stand beside John, spoke.

"He…he's…but…"

"He's back," John said, smiling.

When no headset was forthcoming Rodney turned, a deep scowl on his face. It disappeared somewhat when he saw John.

"Ah! Colonel! I'm going to need you to activate the Chair. Don't get Carson to do it! I need someone who can handle the thing!

When John didn't move, Rodney got up and walked over to him.

"Today, Colonel, unless you fancy losing the gate. I understand you like it here and like flying everywhere a lot but you do understand no gate means no gate travel and that would just defeat the purpose of being here wouldn't it?"

"Yeah…I…yeah…so…the Chair, on?"

"Yes, I believe that's what I meant by I need you to activate the chair, have some vocabulary please! Shall I repeat it slowly for you?"

He joined miming to his next words to illustrate them. "I…need…you…to…ac-ti-va-te…the…Chair! And now, you…you…and you…and Zelenka, follow me."

A snap of his fingers sent the yous to his side and they followed as he barrelled down the corridor. Rodney explained his plan on the way. They entered the gate room and went straight for the gate.

"Rodney! I…what's going on? Where's Colonel Sheppard? What are you…are you alright?"

"Yes, yes everything is fine, .Elizabeth."

Rodney and Zelenka excitedly spoke gibberish for a few minutes before they pointed at each other and let out a loud "yes". Zelenka left at a run.

"Rodney, what is going on?" Elizabeth was leaning against the railing, above, in the control room.

"I'm trying to stop the pulse!"

This was definitely Rodney McKay...she already felt slightly annoyed. "I can see that. Explain to me how!"

He stood up and his hands prepared for the show they were about to give, flying this way and that, swerving madly through the air.

"That, is quite simply, a field created by a magnetic dipole…one half on this side –" he indicated the gate room with wide circles of his hands and then transferred his body weight to the side closest to the gate " – the other on their side."

"The Taulousiens use magnetic field to affect the gravitational pull on their planet in specific areas, to move things from one point to another without having to enter into physical contact. It produces a kind of elevator effect on certain things like boxes –" anguished flared briefly on his face before he smothered it with a frown " – uh…or more precisely containment chambers…pushing the chamber down a tube then reversing the polarity to push it back up.

Pausing, he took a few steps to meet Elizabeth near the stairs.

"Accessing the Jumper's inertial dampeners with the Chair, which Zelenka has interfaced with the gate, we'll incrementally change the gate's gravitational force effectively counter polarising it to create a dipole on this side of the gate. It will push their field back the way it came and allowing us to raise the shield." He smiled, pleased with himself. "I did a few calculations and – it's really quite simple and obvious, it's a wonder this City hasn't gone under with all the incompetents populating it. If this group of lethargic monkeys was the best and brightest on Earth then it is a sad, sad day for the human race…"

"Are you sure about the field, about what they're sending through!" Elizabeth cut in, effectively stopping his digression.

"… might as well give it up to the trained apes that popula…what? Of course I'm sure!"

"How can you know?" she demanded.

"I was there, Elizabeth! I read the books, the research papers, rode the damn elevator…" He lapsed into silent reflection for an instant and his face took on a haunted look. "Just, trust me!"

There was a moment when she hadn't the slightest idea of what to do, what to say.

Their eyes locked, bright green with the clearest blue, and she knew then that this was him, that finally, he had been found. Doctor Rodney McKay was back and he was as trustworthy as they came.

"I do…"


	13. Chapter 13

**Light and Shade**

Darkness, nothing else. Darkness everywhere. The dark swallowed everything, claiming ownership of all matter that dared encounter its path

"Nononononononononononono! Oh, not this! No!"

He sat straight up and…his head didn't hit a cold, hard smooth surface. He stretched out his arms and…they encountered only air.

As recognition seeped into him, his breathing eased, his limbs relaxed.

He was in his bed, in his room, in Atlantis.

He lay on his back and linked his hands behind his head. Back in Atlantis, back to work, back on the team. They'd had their first mission the previous day. It had actually been fun!

This was real; this was his life!

Rodney knew he had changed. Everyone had noticed he enjoyed living a lot more and was a lot more forthcoming. He was nicer, to some extent, but that was what he let them see. The comforting things: the smiles, the laughter, the touches that were slightly lingering. Not the real vestige of Taulouse.

He still heard the voice in his head. _It_ cried. _It_ was scared._ It_ begged everyone he saw to be nice to him, to love him, to hold him. _It_ wanted to hold on to Sheppard, to Ronon, to Carson when they left. _It _called everyone by their first name and wanted to hold their hands when they walked. He did too sometimes, because he forgot you weren't supposed to do that. Strangely, no one ever took their hand back immediately. They waited for him to notice and when he did they would just…smile…a sad little smile.

Heightmeyer knew about the voice because he was not so much of a fool as to not tell the psychologist! He understood what had happened, understood he had D.I.D. and understood that the only outcome was complete dissociation or integration. He needed therapy so his selves would integrate, become one. Heightmeyer said that he was making remarkable progress. She was hopeful, said it would be easier to reverse the process since it had been engineered.

Apparently, it was a good sign that he had retained all the memories from Taulouse. He wasn't so sure but he trusted her and wasn't that different!

Occasionally, before falling asleep, or just after waking up, he would lie in bed and the memories would come pouring back. This time, it was his visit to the research facility that started the flood. They'd taken him to a white room where five boxes stood. They'd done all kinds of tests. He couldn't begin to guess what they had been for, but he knew they had hurt! It had been pain he had never felt before and imagined it was what he would feel if a Wraith ever got his hand on him. He didn't want to consider what that meant. What the Taulousiens had done to find such instruments of torture!

They had never hurt him again. He'd done that. He'd been so angry every time he woke in the box! He had wanted the little simpering idiot that inhabited him, that ran him, to know he was in there, to know he couldn't wait to get out and get rid of _it_! He'd seen everything! All the formatting. All the distorted memories, all the lies and all the sorrow that _it_ went through.

Sure, he understood it was a part of him but…really…it was just a kid!

The Lord had taken advantage, had used its weaknesses. He'd seen how _it_ wanted to be accepted, how _it_ wanted to be loved. He'd used that…

Rodney thought, in some way, Limployd must've loved him, must've seen something in him the minute he entered his chamber. John had told him what the woman, his guardian, had said about him being a lost soul and finding peace. About how he should've been killed when the formatting didn't take.

At times, The Lord had been so sweet, so caring. He'd held the other against him and whispered endearments in its ear. If Rodney was honest, he would say he had liked that, someone caring for him, but not as much as he had enjoyed the care the people on Atlantis had provided. They'd shared their days and nights with _it_. There had always been someone to hug, to make sure _it_ was alright, to make sure _it_ was happy.

He had been there, seen that as well. Unable to surface until the other let him, until _it _realised that there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to protect Rodney from. Rodney was safe._ It_ realised he needed to save his friends and finally, he was back, in control of everything.

They hadn't gone back to Taulouse. They had planned to, but Rodney never wanted the gate to dial their address. He'd had a hard time convincing Sheppard. He couldn't sit back and let them win; he wouldn't let them go free. Rodney had convinced him that it was for the best, he wanted Taulouse out of his life, as far removed as possible. They had locked the gate address. The dreadful world turned, light years away. No one would go there and no one would come from there. Case closed…somewhat…

Now, even though it was the middle of the night, Rodney got up, dressed and headed to the lab. It was so quiet; he was able to work for hours before a still sleepy Zelenka came in.

--OOOOO--

Everyone in the city snickered as the story of Doctor McKay's attack on Kavanaugh became common knowledge. It had only been a matter of time before the atrocious man got what he deserved for speaking about McKay as he had. Saying he was never going to be the same and wasn't that lucky, maybe they could get rid of him once and for all. Kavanaugh's intent had not been malicious; it was simply a way to get back to normal. The ol' Kavanaugh-McKay feud was back on, everything was right with the world. Everyone was amused as they heard of the altercation, with the exception of Rodney's closest friends.

Elizabeth stood in the control room, in constant communication with the search team. Searching…again…

Finally, a gruff voice came with good news. "Found him. South pier, living quarters."

Ronon walked carefully to the man huddled in the corner, crying. He sat beside him. Rodney tensed and tried to move away. Hurriedly, he wiped away his tears and attempted to regain his usual composure.

"What! Are you lost! What do you want?"

Ronon settled as comfortably as he could against the wall and said the simplest thing in the world.

"I know, McKay."

And he did know, had sat with Rodney like this before. He had held him as he cried, because there was nothing else to be done, because McKay had had the mind of a child and Ronon had wanted him to be well. Rodney knew this too, so he let his defensive walls tumble. Sometimes, you had to rely on the goodness of others.

Soon, John, Teyla, Zelenka, Carson and Elizabeth were there. They had been there before and would've fought to be with him at this time. Closer bounds had been developed through the 'other Rodney' and they would not let them deteriorate. They sat and listened to the scientist as he spoke, trying to hold back the tears.

"It was…it was the hair. He just, was in his lab coat…his hair…it wasn't tied back."

The ones who had been on the planet, who had seen Lord Limployd, did not need Rodney to explain further. They knew.

"It was so…all blond and flowing and…I thought. I thought he'd come back for me. I thought…Christ! It's pathetic."

The tears came and McKay fought them. When he spoke, his voice was but a whisper. "I thought I'd have to go back."

Pain. It felt like all the pain in the universe was currently residing inside Doctor Rodney McKay. He'd had his most prized position, his mind, taken from him and lived with continual fear that it would happen again. The he would be reduced to that simpering idiot once more, that he would be pitiable and needy.

"Leave."

"No."

Trust Sheppard to deny him the solitude he required. Rodney needed to keep the humiliation to a minimum; he needed them to get out!

"Leave! I don't want you here!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't!"

"That's not true. Just tell me why, Rodney, and I'll make sure everyone leaves"

"I don't…I…I…why are you…" Rodney was silent for a moment, deep in thoughts. Then, his eyes narrowed, his free hand rose, a finger pointed in accusation. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! They made me crazy! CRAZY! I don't know what's happening! I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing! I'm crazy! I'm completely crazy! I attacked Kavanaugh because I thought a dead guy had come to put me in a box! I don't…want you to see me like this…"

An arm went around Rodney's shoulders, another settled around his waist, and he was pulled against a slim, muscular chest with practiced ease. He tried to resist, pull away, but he was held tightly. A soft but assured voice spoke so close to his ear he could feel warm breath on his neck.

"We've seen you like this before, and I think we'll see you like this again before it's behind us. But we're still here, not going anywhere. You'll be ok."

Rodney relaxed minutely against Sheppard; they had done this before, though Rodney had not been himself then. He inhaled deeply and exhaled in stuttering bursts as he listened to John tell him how it had been for them.

"You were just gone. We found you, but you were gone. Then the gate glowed and you were there, with your brains and you attitude, ready to save the day. You're you again, but it doesn't mean we can't be here. It doesn't mean you don't need someone to talk to, or sit with. It doesn't mean we can't take care of you."

A hand came to rest on his shoulder without John releasing him and it felt so good. To be surrounded by friends, by warmth, by all the things that _it_ had wanted from The Lord.

"Yes, but most importantly, you scare Kavanaugh and gave him a…" Zelenka indicated his eye.

"A right shiner," supplied Carson, for once letting go of medical terminology.

"Yes, you truly are hero now, throughout Atlantis and Pegasus galaxy, even Milky Way."

Rodney let out a snort and pulled away from John.

"Aaaah, see, Sheppard. No need to be a suicidal punk to be a hero! Just beat up the planet's resident jackass!"

The room filled with relieved laughter, which was then fuelled by the multiple Kavanaugh jokes subsequently shared. They all made their way back to the occupied sections of the city, separating at the transporter doors to return to their previous occupations.

Sheppard walked quietly beside McKay on the way to his quarters. At the door, McKay turned, fidgeting. When he opened his mouth, he was stopped from speaking by Sheppard's raised hand.

"I've seen guys freak for less. Hell, I've freaked for less. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Just call next time; chasing you around the City's not as much fun as you'd think." Sheppard smiled, grasped McKay's shoulder for an instant before turning away and sauntering down the hall. He'd do what he could, be there when needed and hope for the best.

Rodney entered his quarters, sat on his bed and sighed. He would be fine…eventually.

The End

Ok, very sorry for the cheezy ending but I couldn't leave him all screwy. It felt waaaaaaay wrong so I opted for the fairy tale 'with a little help from my friends' ending. Can I call upon the mercy of the readers and say this was my first fic so I cannot be held responsible? Pleaaaaaaase?


End file.
